Missed a dose

Fake it till you make it.

Two big cups of coffee in the morning and I fought off any lingering fatigue. I was so busy with my sort of "job" without pay (helping the animals in my community) that I accidentally skipped my afternoon meds. Bad nono. Twitching, stuttering, unable to to focus. Fatigue fell over me hard.

What is reality?

Frustrated.

The coming of fall and the change in the weather is reminding me there are things I needed to do. Some things I only half retain the information, some I am not sure if I dreamed it or if it was real information. Too many upsetting feelings. Grinding my teeth a lot.

I am angry that I do not remember what is real and what is not. I am panicked about what other things I could be forgetting that are important, my stomach is in knots. I am overwhelmed when I think of possible ways to stay organized. This turns to fatigue so strong I feel like I have been jogging for 8 hours straight. Its a stupid cycle of uncertainty. I struggle to feel productive.

Been a While

It has been over four months since I added an entry.

A lot has happened in four months. I do not know how many times I have started writing and gave up before posting. Making a promise to myself to post this whether it is finished or not. 

It was a combination of things which resulted in temporarily abandoning my Multiple Sclerosis entries. Menopause was a big one, the ups and downs were enough to live it once let alone stop to record it. Losing my best friend is another. My babygirl Luna lost her battle on May 2nd. She was my love, my heart, my training partner. A chunk of me was lost that day. It has been painful to talk about.

Another reason for not writing..

I was sick of being sick. MS, depression, menopause. I did not want to think about it if I did not have to. In other words I tried to ignore it. I would pretend that I wasn't sick. To write it was to relive it. I spent a lot of time with my mom, I felt like I could not trust myself to not act on harmful thoughts. My mom has really helped me throughout these past few months.

I want to begin writing again... it was very helpful to keep symptoms and doctor appointments documented. I still flip flop between caring about everything and wanting to dive into things.. and disconnecting myself from everyone and everything writing included.