Feeling very Low. Hormones and more Drugs.

24 days post op Hysterectomy

My frame of mind has been bad. My mom helped me to get into needed doctors sooner as this awful depression has led me into serious suicidal thoughts. I asked my peers who have gone through a hysterectomy if their life had no meaning.. many have experienced what I am going through and suggested antidepressants and anxiety meds. Unfortunately I was already taking a heavy dose of antidepressants and anxiety meds prior to my hysterectomy.

Yesterday I had doc appts

I saw my psychiatrist on emergency visit. I had my mom come with me this time because I really wanted to convey how I feel as I feel this is serious and I need help. I know I am already taking the maximum dosage on Effexor XR and I'm taking the maximum dosage of clonazepam. My psychiatrist is very sweet but she approaches me with caution as I don't think she has many patients like me who have so many things going on, and so many medications to take into consideration before adjusting meds. 

She asked me if I wanted to be hospitalized, but I gave her a definite no. Hospitals make everything worse.  Yes, unfortunately I am alone most of the time because James works so much, and being alone leaves me time to think which is scary. My mind goes places that It normally would not go. I think of the knives in the kitchen maybe driving off of a cliff, those intrusive suicidal thoughts are always in the back of my mind and it's not good to dwell.

Since Effexor is out and the other meds she mentioned make me extremely sick, she upped the dosage on my carbamazepine. Instead of just taking one in the morning I will take one in the morning and also to in the evening. I have another appointment with her in one week if I'm feeling fantastic I will cancel the appointment if I'm not feeling any better I will go back.

I also saw my OB/GYN yesterday finally.

He only spent about 30 seconds with me unfortunately. Explaining my serious menopausal symptoms he said estradiol pills would be the best thing to do. He could try for the patches but likely my insurance will deny it and I would be waiting longer and longer to get hormones. Also on the downside he said the hormones will not work for 4 to 6 weeks. Ugh. He also mentioned that this will be very very hard. Thanks.

I mentioned the dangers of putting a young person into surgical menopause but basically he shook his head said it wasn't true patted me on the back and was really trying to get out of the room quickly before I asked anything else. 

Fucking doctors. At least this guy was better than the last one. Honestly that's really sad. It makes me sad for all who have Medicaid and can't find a Doctor Who cares even an inkling about your well-being.

At least I can always count on my primary care doctor. He's very intelligent and nonjudgmental and is a real person who cares about what's going on with you and takes initiative to solve the problem right then and there, no cutting corners. He spends plenty of time with me . I will mention the many issues with surgical menopause in young women to him, i'm sure he can guide me to do what's best.

I have about had it with my goddamn neurologist I see him next week. Third time seeing him. I swear if he STILL has not acquired my proper information so he can assess the situation I'm going to blow up all over his office. I believe there is now a total of three neurologists who take Medicaid in my area. The neurologist I have is one of them.

Really hope I start feeling better with hormones and upped dosage of carbamazepine.

Not Good

20 days post op Hysterectomy

I am definitely in need of hormones.  See my OBGYN on Thursday. The brief highs are nice, but things are mostly very very low. I have been very depressed and have neglected writing. Anxiety and pit of the stomach dread is always there. It is even in my dreams. This is the same torment I had as a teenager, a familiar awful feeling. I narrowly escaped teenagerdom with my life. I cannot handle going through that again. With MS symptoms always wearing me down both forces are too powerful. 

I have been wearing a sports bra at night, that and the hydro cortisone cleared up my boob rash.

I need to get things in order for doctor appointments. Pain and Brain on Wednesday. OBGYN on Thursday. Pick up Lunas meds.

I need to research a bit more the types of hormones available, I am ready for them to hook up a damn IV get it in my system so I can feel better. Fucker should have been a bit more informative on surgical menopause. There I go again, mood swings from the depths of hell. 

No censor

April 22nd

April 22nd

Having a shit ton of MS related pain today. I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep hot flashes all night. Rash under boobs because of sweating all night. Put hydrocortisone cream and a dab of monistat to ease rash pain.

April 19th 15 days post op

15 days post-op for Hysterectomy due to BRCA1+ 

(Hot flashes are NO JOKE) #previvor 👍

On the positive side, pain from the Hysterectomy has gotten better! I can tell I am healing...

On the negative side... well....

I am a 33 year old woman thrown into surgical menopause. Body isn't happy.

I have had bad hot flashes day and night for about a week now. I can almost handle that without much complain.

But Yesterday I felt like the world was ending, bawling my eyes out for no reason. I could not get comfortable, I could not concentrate, nothing I did was satisfying. Hit me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks.  A familiar feeling that I would get right before I started my period (I would always remind myself even though it feels like all is wrong in my world, it is just PMS and will be over soon)

But this time it will not be over soon. This I cannot handle on my own. I had an appt. With my OBGYN today but had to cancel and rescheduled for next week. NEED HORMONES! Unfortunately it's not something they can just call up to the pharmacy either.

Fortunately my MS has behaved for the most part up until a few days ago. Since my pms symptoms have seriously increased, feels like MS is retaliating against the traumatic change. That has it's own long list of symptoms.

Blah... I'm just a whine bag mess

April 11th 7 day post op

7 days post-op for Hysterectomy due to BRCA1+ (Ovaries, Cervix, Uterus, everything)

I had my surgery through the DaVinci Robot. Two small incisions and through the Belly Button. I have Multiple Sclerosis and had no idea how my body would react to having severe trauma (surgery).

Right now: 

Feels like extreme cramps.. Lying back in a recliner is the only thing that helps. Bleeding off and on, the more I fidget in this chair the more I bleed.

Very sore inside the incision sites, feels like a huge internal bruise. I am able to walk very slowly to the bathroom and back to the recliner that I have been calling home since the hospital released me. Anything more than this and I start feeling really nauseous.

Something new as of yesterday: muscles are spasming uncontrollably and painfully in ripples throughout my abdomen. (A familiar spasming associated with my Multiple Sclerosis) also associated with MS.. I have had a lot of bloating from surgery and it causes me to feel extremely disassociated with my body. I don't feel like my bloated stomach is my own. A very odd and mind screwing feeling.

Every time I pee it hurts inside! I imagine because the bladder shares a wall with the uterus that they removed. Inflating and deflating my bladder is a painful irritant.

I am having more hot flashes but extra mood swings are yet to be determined: pain is my world right now.

Binge watching Netflix. Put my brain on autopilot to get through the days.

Taking benedryl for itchy incisions, healing I presume.