It is that time of the month, which of course MS hates. Having my period amplifies all my symptoms. My highs are very high and uncannily optimistic, but my lows are extremely low and they scare me with how hopeless they make me feel. Tears flow freely throughout the day. I know that I want to be alive, to live. But when a low strikes, it strikes hard and drags me into a dark place where I have no power. This scares the shit out of me.
I do not say this lightly as I believe everybody has the power to change their situation, but in this dark confused state I can honestly say I am powerless. My will to live is not strong enough, and I find myself calmly thinking of suicide in a dream like state. I cannot even find the correct words to describe the feelings I feel when I am in this dark place. I am not myself, and that scares me. It really sucks to feel like your world is suddenly crashing down around you with no warning or reason. It just is. Clonazepam sometimes takes the edge off if I catch it in time to remember to take it.
This kind of emotional flip flopping makes me feel a little bit crazy. I second guess any decision even more than normal because I wonder to myself: Am I in an emotional funk and capable of making a sensible choice?
Even the concept of losing your ability to reason is enough to get depressed over..
My highs are incredibly uplifting. Everything in my life seems brighter. I seriously feel like I could take on the world, and I suddenly have dozens of projects that I want to start. My limitations don't bother me in the least and I efficiently find a way to work around them. I amaze myself actually. Best of all, I feel the warmth of happiness inside of me. I feel fulfilled and full of life. I wish that I could pause my life right there and just stay.
Having a hysterectomy will throw me into menopause. Hormones. Mood swings. I am terrified of the darkness that tries to drown me as it is. It has to be done though.
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